


tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease

by homeisjustaroomfullofmysafestsounds



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Canon Compliant, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Holding Hands, M/M, Panic Attacks, jisung is an angel, minho has anxiety, switching POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-25 06:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14372787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homeisjustaroomfullofmysafestsounds/pseuds/homeisjustaroomfullofmysafestsounds
Summary: The back of Minho's mind is telling him all the things nobody would ever say: he’s not getting any better, he’s not showing appropriate gratitude for the chance he’s been given, he’s not contributing to the group, he’s not, he’s not, he’s not. Handsome enough, talented enough, hard-working enough, any of it.The only things he seems to be good at are panicking and probably making the pillow moldy from how often he cries into it.aka the times Jisung helps Minho feel a little less broken.





	1. i'm down to my skin and bone

Eighty-three minutes before the “7 or 9” live broadcast, Minho’s mind was in shutdown.

 

His brain’s list of his potential blunders was unabridged, complete with mini videos for each scenario (courtesy of his overactive imagination), and each bullet point set off a jarring siren that left his heart stammering.

 

_ 1\. 2. 3. 4.  _ He breathed in.  
_ 1\. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.  _ He held his breath.  
_ 1\. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.  _ He let it out slowly, shakily.

 

“Hyung, are you okay?” said the voice he most and least wanted to hear, and a new alarm joined all the others blaring in his head:  _ Jisung, Jisung, Jisung _ .

 

“Hmmm,” he said.

 

_ Help _ , he thought.

 

And then he felt fingers intertwine with his, and his heart was skipping too many beats already for this to change anything, so instead he just focused on the steady rhythm the hand was tapping on the back of his hand and thought  _ okay, safe, home _ .

 

On a better day, maybe he would snicker and comment on how Jisung really needed to use lotion more often, or “when was the last time you even washed these hands, uncivilized animal?” and Jisung would laugh his deep, breathy laugh because  _ he knows _ how Minho builds walls of sarcasm around his feelings.

 

But today, there was nothing more to hide. All of his emotions came into plain sight the moment his sight went blurry, and here he collapsed, loose blocks and dust the only testaments to the fortress he’d worked so hard to build, only to destroy it from inside its walls.

 

“Hyung, it’s okay.”

 

He focused on the steady breathing next to him, the rhythm tapping on the back of his hand, the way his thighs were rooted to the chair, the sound of the air vent quiet on the floor.

 

“Hyung, it’s okay.”

 

_ 1\. 2. 3. 4. _ He counted the taps on his hand as he breathed in.  
_ 1\. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. _ He counted the taps on his hand as he held his breath.  
_ 1\. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. _ He counted the taps on his hand as he let it out slowly, shakily.

 

“Hyung, it’s okay.”

  
Maybe it would be.


	2. the truth is, the stars are falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because this is Jisung, who smiles all the time he’s not asleep, whose ability to be overdramatic rivals that of a Broadway star, who speaks symphonies every time he opens his mouth on stage. And he’s Minho, who can't do anything besides dance, who can't sing or rap well enough to meet anyone’s expectations, who probably shouldn't be here at all.
> 
> But Jisung always stays.

It’s back, all of it.

 

The tears that burn his eyelashes and cheeks, the choked heartbeats that trap his breath in his throat, the panic that turns his skeleton into a mess of live wire.

 

The back of his mind is telling him all the things nobody would ever say: he’s not getting any better, he’s not showing appropriate gratitude for the chance he’s been given, he’s not contributing to the group,  _ he’s not, he’s not, he’s not. _ Handsome enough, talented enough, hard-working enough, any of it.

 

The only things he seems to be good at are panicking and probably making the pillow moldy from how often he cries into it.

 

His mind registers the pillow shifting and the bed dipping besides him, and he feels a hand on his arm, tentative.

 

“Sungie?” The name has to fight to get out.

 

When he hears a whispered, “Yeah, hyung, me,” his eyes fly open to have a staring contest with the dark, and he doesn't know whether to bury his face in Jisung’s chest or push him away, because this is better and worse all at once.

 

Because this is  _ Jisung _ , who smiles all the time he’s not asleep, whose ability to be overdramatic rivals that of a Broadway star, who speaks symphonies every time he opens his mouth on stage.  And he’s Minho, who can't do anything besides dance, who can't sing or rap well enough to meet anyone’s expectations, who probably shouldn't be here at all.

 

But Jisung always stays.

 

He holds his hand and hypes him up to everyone and acts like he’s the one who needs Minho even though everyone knows it’s the other way around, and Minho can't fathom  _ why _ .

 

He doesn't want to burden someone so amazing, so he should probably tell him to go away, that he can deal with it alone. But when he opens his mouth, a wave of emotions beats his words to his lips, so a sob falls out in a crashing waterfall and drowns any words that wanted to escape. When he resurfaces, he’s held tightly against Jisung’s chest as a hand strokes through his hair, all soft and strong. Just like Jisung.

 

It amazes Minho how Jisung sees strength everywhere. Jisung stares straight into him and sees all the rotted dark and then immediately calls him brave. And while at first it sounded fake, just something to make him feel better, a tiny bit of himself is starting to believe it.

 

Once his heartbeat returns to normal and life feels a bit more conquerable, Jisung’s voice interrupts the silence.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

When Minho’s body starts trembling at the suggestion, Jisung breathes out a soft laugh. “I'll take that as a no.”

 

Minho takes a few minutes to collect his thoughts before speaking.

 

“It’s not that I don't want to, but I can't. Right now. Can we try again in the morning?” Jisung nods against his hair, patient like always, before Minho continues, “Also, can- would you-” He bites his lip. “Stay? Please?”

 

He feels a pair of lips against his forehead, and “I'm not going anywhere, hyung” is the last thing his brain registers before he nuzzles against Jisung and falls asleep to thoughts of  _ I'm so glad you're here _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please give me any feedback you have in the comments!  
> ALSO, each chapter is basically going to be a canon compliant one-shot of Jisung helping Minho, or vice versa. I'LL BE TAKING REQUESTS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS!! If you have a scene you want me to write, or if you want me to write an old scene from the other point of view, just comment your request, and I'll try to write it!!


	3. i'll be fine if you can breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Jisung watched Minho count his breaths, watched him anchor his fingers to Woojin’s coat, watched his eyes frantically search for nothing in particular. He bit the inside of his cheek, gripped the handrail next to him. Anything to keep him from reaching out, grabbing Minho’s hand, hugging the fear away. It was hard, so hard, to be so close and have to watch Minho fighting the panic down on his own.

As soon as they entered the glass elevator to get to the Namsan Tower cable cars, Jisung felt Minho’s electricity spike. He hid it behind a smile, of course. But Jisung could hear Minho’s heartbeat pounding from feet away, and he knew something wasn't right.

 

He couldn't gather him into a hug or stroke his hair, of course. There were people all around, and they were famous now. More importantly, there were cameras.

 

So Jisung watched Minho count his breaths, watched him anchor his fingers to Woojin’s coat, watched his eyes frantically search for nothing in particular. He bit the inside of his cheek, gripped the handrail next to him. Anything to keep him from reaching out, grabbing Minho’s hand, hugging the fear away. It was hard, _so_ _hard_ , to be so close and have to watch Minho fighting the panic down on his own.

 

If anyone were asked who was the stronger person in their relationship, they would immediately say Jisung.  _ Of course _ , they’d think. Jisung wasn't the one falling apart on Thursday nights on the kitchen floor.

 

But, honestly, Jisung didn't agree.  _ He _ wasn't the one who had to fight demons down just to get a single word off his tongue. The sheer determination Minho showed on a daily basis, to dance and sing and rap and smile when all he wanted to do was drown, put Jisung’s rapping to shame. If there were waves, Jisung felt them from his seat in the lifeboat, but not nearly as much as Minho felt them from the water.

 

So is it any wonder that Jisung wanted to throw him a lifesaver? That, when the hyung he admired and looked up to so much was crumbling, Jisung wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around his waist and hold him together?

 

When they exited the elevator, Minho’s tension poured out of him in a sigh. But then they got to the stairs, and Minho’s panic climbed the steps with his feet. Jisung still held back, but he had to do  _ something _ .

 

“Are you scared? If you’re scared, hold onto me.”

 

“I'm not scared.” Minho’s words were disproven by the hand that rushed to grip Jisung’s elbow. He breathed out a laugh, half amusement and half relief. At least this was something.

 

“It’s okay.” Jisung repeated the phrase a couple times. patting the hand that was currently cutting off circulation to his forearm.

 

“I know. I know. It’s okay.” Minho repeated, even though it clearly wasn't.

 

When they reached the cable car, Jisung's heart jumped a little bit. “Wait a second, now  _ I'm _ scared,” he half-laughed. And then a hand was on his arm, and Minho’s gentle voice was wheezing out a forced version of “It’s okay,” like Jisung was the one who needed reassurance.

 

Minho didn't see it, the way his presence poured calm into Jisung like drinking a mug of hot chocolate. Every time Jisung was scared, Minho would reach his shaking hand out to his, offering peace he never had to begin with. And, somehow, it helped. Maybe it was that Minho saw through his own cracks to patch up Jisung’s. Maybe it was the faint smiles Minho would give him. Maybe it was the jokes they’d make, so Jisung could pretend for a second that they weren’t falling apart.

  
But whatever it was, Jisung knew he needed Minho. The weeks when Minho was gone were the worst of Jisung’s life. And, while they were the worst of Minho’s too, it was all so  _ new  _ to Jisung. See, Minho was  _ used _ to feeling lonely and guilty and hopeless. He was both cursed enough and strong enough to deal with it all the time. But, Jisung, he'd never met darkness like that before. He wasn't strong. He didn't know how to hold himself together like Minho did. And Felix and Minho’s return brought Jisung’s life back together, but Minho didn't have that. He didn't have a key that would lock all of his problems out. So if anyone ever asked Jisung who was the stronger of the two, he’d answer without a second’s hesitation: Minho-hyung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please give me any feedback you have in the comments!  
> ALSO, each chapter is basically going to be a canon compliant one-shot of Jisung helping Minho, or vice versa. I'LL BE TAKING REQUESTS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS!! If you have a scene you want me to write, or if you want me to write an old scene from the other point of view, just comment your request, and I'll try to write it!!


	4. all this moving is proving to get the best of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waves of something he can only describe as frantic wash through him. He feels each tooth, each toenail, each vertebra in his spine. Sees and hears and thinks everything at once. Closes his eyes. Chokes out a breath. Opens his eyes and searches, desperate for something to focus on, to bring him back down to earth as the elevator and his panic carry him far higher than his comfort zone reaches.
> 
> It’s not too serious, he knows. Not a full-on panic attack. Just a beginning. Just the sudden feeling that everything is not right. Just the threat of tears in a pain behind his eyes. Just the need to tighten his hold on Woojin’s collar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to randvmfandoms for requesting this chapter!!

Minho likes to think Jisung fills in his holes, makes him strong. But the longer Minho goes with Jisung by his side, the more he realizes he’s the one filling in his own holes. Jisung just helps him want to.

 

That’s generally, though. Specifically, there still are lots of times when the holes only get bigger, when even with Jisung right next to him, the stress is leaking in, drowning him. Times like today.

 

He thought he could handle riding the cable car, he really did. Being around Jisung has been making him so much braver, like he’s been absorbing the self-assurance Jisung radiates. And so, if Jisung was there, he could handle the heights, the glass elevator, the shaking cable car. Right?

 

_Ha, you thought_ , his anxiety retorts.

 

Waves of something he can only describe as _frantic_ wash through him. He feels each tooth, each toenail, each vertebra in his spine. Sees and hears and thinks everything at once. Closes his eyes. Chokes out a breath. Opens his eyes and searches, desperate for something to focus on, to bring him back down to earth as the elevator and his panic carry him far higher than his comfort zone reaches.

 

It’s not too serious, he knows. Not a full-on panic attack. Just a beginning. Just the sudden feeling that everything is _not_ right. Just the threat of tears in a pain behind his eyes. Just the need to tighten his hold on Woojin’s collar.

 

One of the thoughts flying around in his hurricane of consciousness is that he needs Jisung. The next thought is that he _shouldn't_.

 

He’s still learning that having someone help you through a panic attack does not get rid of the panic altogether. He’s still trying to grasp the concept that trusting Jisung isn't enough; he has to trust _himself_. He’s still struggling to face the root of his problems instead of just letting Jisung trim the ugly branches.  He’s still learning to rely on himself when Jisung can't be there. But “still learning” is good enough for now.

 

That’s what Jisung tells him when the darkness starts stirring. It’s what Minho tells himself when he looks out the elevator’s glass to see Changbin, Hyunjin and Seungmin as ants way down below, when his brain is already falling to its demise from a broken elevator window, despite the fact that the Minho in reality is perfectly safe.

 

Minho wants to reach out and grab Jisung’s hand, hide in Jisung’s arms. But the back of his brain knows that he’s strong enough, that it’s _not that bad_ , that he doesn't need to use Jisung to hide, that he has the ability to protect himself.

 

Maybe it’s the cameras. Maybe it’s the subconscious guilt and inferiority he feels towards Jisung. Maybe it’s his desire not to back away from a challenge. Maybe it’s the fear of being open, even to Jisung. But he doesn't reach out.

He keeps standing on the edge of falling apart, holding his breath like it will hold back the panic. And it works, at least for a little bit. At least until the Stairs.

 

Normally, stairs are completely fine. Not a big deal, completely normal, totally comfortable. But when he’s panicked, his mind has a way of turning even the most home-like things into antagonizing obstacles. Too much of anything only heightens the anxiety he’s already feeling.  So, today, stairs become Stairs.

 

Fortunately, Jisung is right here.

Fortunately, Jisung’s stairs are still just stairs.

 

“Are you scared? If you’re scared, hold on to me.”

 

Jisung’s voice breaks through Minho’s rushed mind, and a million new thoughts spill in through the crack. There’s gratitude and trust, but there’s also self-consciousness and guilt and a need to impress the boy who seems to always have to deal with the worst sides of him. So-

 

“I’m not scared.”

 

There. He said it. Sure, it was a little shaky, and breathy, but Jisung probably wouldn't notice that, and it

 

His thoughts are interrupted by a laugh. Not a mean one, but gentle. Maybe understanding. Definitely Jisung’s.

 

_Oh._

 

His hand is wrapped tightly around Jisung’s. Probably cutting off circulation. He’s about to remove it, when Jisung pats it once, twice.

 

“It’s okay.” Minho has a feeling Jisung’s talking about more than just the hand that’s nearly amputating his arm, so he breathes out a trembling, “I know, I know, it’s okay.” He doesn't move his hand.

 

The butterflies flying in his stomach decide to land, one by one, and by the time he reaches the top of the stairs, Minho is tired but actually _okay_ . When they board the cable car, the butterflies are fluttering again, but then Jisung says, “Wait a minute, now _I'm_ scared,” and the butterflies all fly out of sight.

 

He can be strong, if it’s for Jisung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes this is a bit of a mess, probably because I wrote it based on a panic attack I was having at the time. Anyways, thanks for reading! Please give me any feedback you have in the comments!  
> ALSO, each chapter is basically going to be a canon compliant one-shot of Jisung helping Minho, or vice versa. I'LL BE TAKING REQUESTS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS!! If you have a scene you want me to write, or if you want me to write an old scene from the other point of view, just comment your request, and I'll try to write it!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please give me any feedback you have in the comments!  
> ALSO, each chapter is basically going to be a canon compliant one-shot of Jisung helping Minho, or vice versa. I'LL BE TAKING REQUESTS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS!! If you have a scene you want me to write, or if you want me to write an old scene from the other point of view, just comment your request, and I'll try to write it!!


End file.
